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| What I CAN do |
The urge to write "real" persists in knocking on my door. But what IS real? Who am I in all that is going on in the world right now?
Am I the older, wiser person who believes I understand the world? Hell, no!
Am I the Pollyanna who sees all through rose-colored glasses? NOT!!
So what is real for me on this July day 2020?
I worry. I know moments of despair. I rage. I cry. I wonder why I seem to have no wisdom to impart, why there seems to be no context in which to focus merely on what I can control.
Everything is not fine...and nothing I can do is going to make it so.
And yet...there is the garden to tend. There is the writing I've committed to doing. There are mini-art projects to keep creativity going. There are wonderful and wise books to read. There are Zoom opportunities to hear authors talk about their work. There are YouTube videos where more gardening tips than one could ever use reside. Recipes to try. Friends to contact. Walks in new places and old, and increasing the miles because there is the gift of time.
And, speaking of time, much of what seems to be lost during this pandemic will eventually be restored if history can be believed. But time? It will be gone, not to be replaced or restored. Some things relating to time will just never be. And so I grieve. Being real, I need to acknowledge my grief for not only what IS, but also for what will never be.
That's not negative; it just is what is on this day in July 2020.
As I write this the day before Mother's Day I cannot help but ponder the many things that have arisen for me personally out of this pandemic. And, while that is not what this blog was supposed to be about....
Well, here goes: "Life in the No Contact Zone" could easily be the new heading for the blog itself. Having set in play that I would have the goal to do two blog posts per week way back at the beginning of 2019, I have failed miserably at this in the past week or so. What is there to say, I have wondered far too often.
But for some reason, the coming of Mother's Day seems to have triggered something. This will be the first Mother's Day that I have spent without a mother and I find myself thinking of her and, ultimately, how glad I am in some ways that she is not here to be part of all this. At the end, she was on hospice and they took such wonderful care of her. I still marvel that her skin as I stroked her arm on that last day of her life felt like a baby's--smooth and soft and completely unblemished in any way. I'm sure there are still many in hospice and still receiving that wonderful care. These caring folks must be really struggling during this pandemic just as the doctors and nurses and other healthcare workers are. They, too, are to be honored.
If my mother were still alive, I would be grieving the loss of being able to see her. And, while I am grieving her loss, at least there is the knowledge that not only is she at peace, but I can be too, knowing that I am not failing her in any way.
Still, a solid two months into all this, I miss my sister, who is also a mother. I miss my daughter, who is also a mother. I miss my many friends who are mothers and wonder if they too are missing their loved ones. My own sense of loss is, though, as nothing to what so many are experiencing. My heart hurts for the losses suffered by so many others. The grief is immense.
And yet, though I feel lost without being able to connect with others in the usual ways, I respect the No Contact Zone and frequently find myself angry with those who cannot seem to "get it." While a part of me would like to really go off on them here, I will strive to respect their right to a different way. I only wish they could respect mine. This No Contact Zone is not fun. But my mother, while we did not agree on many things, did teach me to respect the rights of others, to respect science, to use discernment over judgment, to cherish each day, and so much more.
All that said, (and yes, I know that I have been rambling).....
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
